A Beginner's Guide to BDSM - Part 2: Exploring BDSM – TEME

Written by: Nicolle Hodges

“Our sexual energy is literally our life force at its rawest—no shields, no disguises, no polite mistaking it for something else. This is especially true with SM. Sexuality is energy as tangible as that which turns the earth.” — Samois in Coming to Power

In this second part of our comprehensive guide to BDSM, we’ll shift our focus to the crucial aspects of safety and consent within the BDSM community. Starting from the importance of clear communication and negotiation, we’ll explore the various safety practices, such as RACK, SSC, and PRICK, to ensure a consensual and positive experience. We'll also discuss aftercare and practical tips for those beginning their journey into BDSM. This section aims to provide you with the knowledge and tools necessary to navigate BDSM safely and confidently, enhancing both your understanding and enjoyment of this intricate practice.

Why BDSM Is Not Abuse

Bound to Be Free, a book by Charles Moser and JJ Madeson, does an excellent job of simplifying what BDSM, and specifically SM, is and is not:

“SM is not: abusive, rape, beatings, violence, cruelty, power-over, force, coercion, non-consensual, unimportant, a choice made lightly, growth blocking, boring.

SM is: passionate, erotic, growthful, consensual, sometimes fearful, exorcism, reclamation, joyful, intense, boundary-breaking, trust building, loving, unbelievably great sex, often hilariously funny, creative, spiritual, integrating, a development of inner power as strength.”

In a 1984 study, researchers Williams, Weinberg, and Moser, found that sadomasochistic behavior usually contains five components that I believe are worth mentioning to further highlight the difference between BDSM and abuse, and to add additional context to some of the previously mentioned definitions:

The Appearance of Dominance and Submission

Dominance is the appearance of rule over one partner by another. The dominant partner is variously called sadist, Dominant, dominatrix, top, master, or mistress. The counterpart to dominance is submission, the appearance of obedience to a partner. The submissive partner is variously called masochist, submissive, bottom, or slave.

Role-playing

An exaggeration of those sets of expectations that surround the interaction between the Dom and sub roles chosen, such as master/slave, teacher/student, and pet/owner.

Consensuality

A voluntary agreement to enter into Dominant/submissive "play" and to honor certain "limits." We cannot call spouse abuse SM because SM is consensual and spouse abuse is not. Just as the difference between intercourse and rape is consent, so the distinction between SM and true violence is also consent.

Sexual Context

The presumption that the activities have asexual meaning. SM is primarily a sexual behavior; while it need not mean orgasms or erections, it is nevertheless sexual. We are not denigrating such behavior in nonsexual contexts (e.g., religiously-motivated flagellation); we are just clear that this is a different phenomenon.

Mutual Definition

The participants must agree on the parameters of what they are doing, whether they call it SM or not.

Safety Practices: RACK; SSC; PRICK; CCCC

RACK & SSC

Risk-aware consensual kink (RACK) and SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) are two of the most popular acronyms in BDSM communities, although they are often debated and tend to morph.

In 1983, the mantra "safe, sane, and consensual" emerged with dual purposes: to define the ethos of an expanding community and to clarify that SM practices were distinct from abuse. However, a decade later, the slogan faced criticism for potentially oversimplifying SM or casting judgment on those who partook in riskier activities.

By 1999, the BDSM community adopted a new term, "risk-aware consensual kink" (RACK), to underscore the pivotal role of consent while recognizing the inherent risks associated with BDSM activities—a factor that attracts many to the lifestyle. The question became: how can willingly engaging in risky behavior be done as safely as possible?

PRICK

A newer acronym is PRICK, meaning “personal responsibility, informed, consensual kink” or the slightly modified “personally responsible in consensual kink.” The intention is to emphasize that every participant is responsible for their own safety, which includes informing partners of any injuries they might have, taking an honest assessment of their mental state (do they have a history of trauma where some interactions, activities, sounds, smells, or psychological states could trigger them?), expressing their limits (which requires knowing their limits or having an embodied awareness of when they are reaching a limit), and a safe word and signal they are comfortable using when that limit has been crossed.

PRICK alleviates the burden of responsibility from lying completely on one person (usually the Dominant/top), and reaffirms that all participants are exercising responsibility in ensuring that they are operating with the intention to maintain safety in a risky situation. It reinforces sovereignty, autonomy, and responsibility for the outcome of play that makes BDSM so potent for reconnecting to personal power, no matter which role you embody.

CCCC

Another safety framework is CCCC, which stands for Caring; Communication; Consent; Caution. You might have noticed that this is the only one that doesn’t use the word “risk.” For those who engage in a 24/7 D/s or Master/slave dynamic, which means that they are never not in their chosen roles, “risk” might be seen as a negative, as the dynamic permeates the entirety of their relationship. Therefore, it’s less about a “scene” that is entered, and more about a state of being that is constantly occupied. For that reason, using “risk” feels like it’s naming the relationship as risky, rather than focusing on the elements that contribute to it being a positive state of existence for all people involved.

Safeword and Traffic Stop System

Despite thorough discussions about limits and expectations prior to a scene, it's challenging to foresee every scenario or reaction. A safeword provides a crucial safety mechanism, ensuring all participants can halt the scene if needed. Think of a safeword as a killswitch that automatically and abruptly puts a stop to whatever is happening, physically and psychologically. You want the safeword to be out of context, so words like ‘stop,’ ‘no,’ or ‘please don’t’ tend not to work as they could potentially be part of the dialogue between players. Instead try something like “pineapple” or “cactus.” I was once in a dungeon where someone’s safeword was “cucumber.” However, with the loud music, it sounded like they said “keep it comin!” The top proceeded to give them another, unwelcomed wallop!

If the bottom can’t speak because they have a gag in their mouth, or they tend to become non-verbal during a scene when they are deep in sub-space, agree on a safe signal ahead of time. If they are standing, they can drop to their knees. If they are kneeling, they can raise an arm as their gesture of completion. If they are holding an object in their hand, dropping it means stop.

The traffic stop system is simple, easy to remember, and quite popular in shared play spaces or in multi-person scenes instead of everyone having a different safe word.

Red = stop

Yellow = let up, slow down, and check in

Green = keep going

Although the “beige” indicator hasn’t quite gone mainstream, it is popping up more often to mean “I’m a brat and I am deliberately acting bored to tease my Master/Mistress.”

In a play party environment, something like “beige” (along with their unique safe word, if they are choosing to use one outside of the traffic light system) might be communicated to observers.

A note for beginners on feelings of disappointment if a scene reaches “red:”

“It can be disappointing when things do not go well and it is okay to be disappointed. However, it is not as important as taking care of each other. Ultimately, addressing these needs and showing that you care for each other is far more important than feeling a little disappointed for a few minutes. Because hopefully, if you handle the situation well, you will get a chance to play again some other time.”

BDSM Aftercare or "Cuddles and Carbs"

After an experience of focused pain and pleasure, you could find yourself feeling invigorated and euphoric, exhausted and defeated, or, surprisingly, a mix of both. You might feel rage, light-headed or a sense of transcendence, relaxed, astonished, or ashamed.

For this reason, aftercare in BDSM is an essential practice that focuses on the well-being of all participants after a scene has concluded. It involves a considerate and attentive process of checking in with each other to ensure everyone feels cared for following the shared experiences. The specific forms of aftercare can vary widely depending on the individuals' preferences, the dynamics of their relationship, and the needs of the submissive. It may include physical tenderness, addressing any physical discomfort such as bruising, engaging in relaxed conversations, sharing a warm cup of tea, enjoying a favorite snack, or changing into different clothes to symbolically transition from the scene's roles back to everyday life.

This practice is vital because BDSM activities can induce a significant release of endorphins, creating intense emotional and physical sensations that can lead to what's known as a "drop" — a state where those intense feelings give way to a sudden dip in mood and energy levels. Aftercare provides a space for participants to gently navigate from the heightened state of a scene back to normalcy, allowing for emotional processing and reaffirmation of mutual respect and care. It highlights the deep emotional bonds and trust that BDSM play can foster, making it a non-negotiable part of a responsible and fulfilling practice. Be with whatever emotions or memories come up and allow it to flow through you.

In the book, 50 Shades of Kink: An Introduction to BDSM, author Tristan Taormino gives the following advice:

“If you’re the top, part of your responsibility is to ensure the well-being of your bottom. First address some basic needs with questions like these: Do you need to use the restroom? Do you want to stand up (or sit down—because your bottom has been kneeling or standing for an hour during a scene)? Do you want to leave the play space and go somewhere more private, quieter, more comfortable? Are you too warm or too cold? Do you need a blanket or change of clothes? Offer water or another beverage to make sure the bottom stays hydrated and a snack to combat low blood sugar, especially if the scene involved heavy physical play. As part of your negotiation process, you should discuss any specific needs you might have after a scene. That way, you can come prepared rather than scrambling to find an energy bar or a sweatshirt for someone who needs it right away.

After an intense scene, people also like to follow up with a check-in a day or two later; often, right after a scene, you’re still in the afterglow, but feelings may come up later that you want to discuss.”

Although not discussed as often, aftercare is also important for Dominants, as they might face exhaustion from the intense concentration and energy required to lead. Physical care like massages can help ease role-induced fatigue, and emotional support through verbal affirmations to address any psychological turmoil.

According to @dominantdesiress on Instagram, some emotional aftercare ideas include:

Words of affirmation (“you did really well,” or “you made me proud,” or “you’re so strong”)
Breathing together
Focusing on music or items in the room to slowly come out of the headspace
Stating facts out loud about self/partner/place
Sharing feelings about the scene, how it went, what came up for you
Cuddling
Snacks and water
Bundling rope or wiping down toys
Holding a comfort object, such as a stuffed animal
Treating any bruises, sore limbs, rope burns, etc.
A hot bath (together or separate)

Starting With BDSM: Tips for Beginners

How to Begin Exploring BDSM

The belief that individuals with kinky inclinations are restricted to finding satisfaction only within the confines of their specific fantasies is a common misunderstanding. In truth, those who pursue kinky interests often develop a wide and varied spectrum of sexual enjoyment. By openly sharing your distinct fantasies with a partner, you're inviting the opportunity for them to reveal their own, potentially unique, desires. This mutual sharing can lead to the blending of fantasies, and possibly the uncovering of new ones that both partners are eager to explore.

In their book When Someone You Love is Kinky, authors Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt suggest having a beginner’s mind in order to see things freshly and clearly, without preconceptions:

“Try playing with a new toy or activity for a while and then finishing with the kind of sex you already know you both love. Do this a lot, and your relationship will thrive even if it takes years, as it has for most of us, to get to where you are comfortable doing the scenes that lie in the far reaches of your fantasies. You can get comfortable: we know, we have, and you are under no obligation whatsoever to do the scariest stuff you can think of. Why would you want to? Stick with what feels safe today, and see what changes tomorrow.”

Suggestions for Initial Activities and Practices for Beginners

Try starting with activities that are less intimidating and require minimal equipment, such as:

Orgasm Control or Denial, or Forced Orgasm
Orgasm control or denial often looks like a submissive giving the power of their sexual gratification to their Dominant partner. This can look like having your genitals locked in chastity or only being allowed to touch yourself with permission (which often leads to begging for release). On the opposite end of the spectrum is forced orgasm, which is exactly what you think it is (ever been tortured by too much pleasure?). The best tool for the job is a Magic Wand.

If you’re not ready to give someone control over your climax for hours, days, or weeks, experiment with edging instead. This is when orgasm is delayed and someone remains “on the edge.” Orgasm denial often involves forbidding any self-stimulation whereas edging specifically requires one to be stimulated to the brink of orgasm before stopping.
Light Bondage
Before exploring shibari, try Velcro cuffs like the ones found in this Beginners Bondage Fantasy Kit. Note for beginners: be careful of handcuffs that require you to use a key because (1) it’s not fun to lose a key in the dark, and (2) a small key becomes difficult to maneuver if you have lube on your hands or your partner panics and the situation becomes tense. Handcuffs, in general, are seen as a poor choice due to their narrowness and potential strain on the wrists if you’re moving around a lot.
Spanking or Gentle Flogging
A form of impact play that can be started with the hand, allowing for control over force and area. Start light and build in intensity. Keep power dynamics out of it to start by seeing yourselves as teammates exploring the realm of spanking together, rather than risking the onus of expertise relying on one person. Whether you’re spanking or being spanked, communicate each step of the way. Have fun with it and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get it right or to like it right away. Once you’ve covered where you like to be spanked and how hard, play with discipline (such as being rewarded or punished with a spanking) and different positions (bent over the knee or standing upright, hands against the wall, and instructed not to move (which add a power dynamic to play). The same process goes for flogging.
Role-Playing
The intention of role-playing is not to put on a costume and feel less like yourself, but to connect with something inside of you that longs to be seen, and matching that on the outside. If you have the desire to serve but a maid outfit makes you feel silly, try on something you already own that makes you feel good. You don’t have to fit a mold of what you “think” role-playing looks like.
Blindfolding to Build Erotic Tension

Start by verbally teasing what's to come. The mere act of putting on the blindfold can begin to build tension, as the partner is left to imagine what you have planned.

Sensory Play

With sight out of the equation, every touch, sound, and scent becomes amplified. Gently caress the skin with different textures (feathers, silk, fur, or sensory fingertips) or vary the temperature with warm oils, wax, cooling lubricant or ice cubes to stimulate the senses. Try the Introductory Bondage Kit #2.

Whisper and Talk

Use your voice to increase the tension. Whispering sweet nothings, describing what you’re about to do, or even narrating the sensations can be incredibly arousing. The sound of your voice close to their ear can be electrifying.

Control the Pace

Slow down or pause your actions at moments to leave your partner in suspense. The uncertainty of when the next touch will come can be thrilling.

Incorporate Sound

Blindfolding or masking can make sounds more pronounced. Using a toy with a distinct sound, or even just the sound of your breathing can enhance the sensory experience. Alternatively, use stretches of silence to build anticipation. If they can sense you are in the room but you aren’t speaking, let them know that you have your eyes on them, but say nothing else. This will help them become hyper-aware of their own movements and breathing, knowing that they are being seen but cannot see.

Tease and Deny

If touch is part of your agreed-upon scene, bring your partner close to the edge of pleasure, then pull back, prolonging the experience and building intense desire. Have them focus all of their attention on something like a sensation wheel rolling across their skin.

Focus on Non-genital Erogenous Zones

Use this opportunity to explore and tease other parts of the body that are sensitive but may not receive as much attention, such as the neck, ears, inner thighs, and more.

The Role of Sex

In BDSM scenes, sexual activities like penetration aren't mandatory but can occur based on participants' preferences and agreements. It's critical to address whether sex is incorporated before, after, never, or under specific conditions. This isn’t something you want to wait to navigate once one partner is already tied up.

Conclusion

Encouragement for Safe Exploration and Enjoyment of BDSM

Exploring BDSM is a journey that can bring couples closer and unlock new levels of intimacy and pleasure. These erotic practices provide a controlled environment where the expression of affections we’re often tempted to repress can be celebrated. It’s okay if it feels silly or if shame creeps in. The point is to feel it all without judgment. For many, being kinky is not something they do, but who they are. BDSM can provide access to an altered state of consciousness that can be blissful, healing, and revelatory. Whether a lifelong exploration or a one-and-done weekend, it’s another way to say: I see you. I accept you. I love you.

Remember the following to increase the likelihood of a positive experience (even if something doesn’t go completely according to plan):

Open Communication

The foundation of BDSM is trust and open dialogue. Discuss your desires, fantasies, boundaries, and limits. Be honest about what you're curious about and what you're not willing to try.

Educate Yourselves

Research together to understand the various aspects of BDSM. Books, online resources, and workshops can provide valuable information about practices, safety, and consent.

Set Boundaries and Establish a Safe Word

Establish clear boundaries and safe words.

Start Slow

Begin with less intense activities to build your comfort and trust levels. You don't have to dive into advanced practices right away. Discover what you both enjoy at your own pace.

Prepare for Aftercare

After a BDSM scene, make sure you’ve set time aside to connect and check in periodically in the days or weeks that follow.

Respect Limits

Always respect your partner's limits and never pressure them into something they're uncomfortable with. Communicate the difference between welcomed discomfort and a hard limit.

Keep an Open Mind

Be open to learning and trying new things, but also be prepared to adjust or stop if something doesn't feel right. Your preferences and boundaries may evolve as you explore. Suddenly, a riding crop or tail might seem like the best idea when a few weeks ago they seemed silly.

Prioritize Safety

Understand the risks involved with certain activities and take precautions to minimize them. Learn how to safely use any toys or equipment you decide to incorporate. Agree on a safety framework that suits you best (RACK, SSC, PRICK, CCCC), or come up with your own!

Check In Regularly

Communication shouldn't stop once you begin exploring. Regularly check in with each other about what's working, what's not, and any new desires that arise throughout this process.

And of course, when you eventually meet your own gaze down in the cellar, smile back.

As we conclude our exploration of BDSM, it's clear that safety, consent, and aftercare are the cornerstones of any successful BDSM experience. By adhering to practices like RACK and SSC, and engaging in thorough negotiation and communication, you can ensure that your BDSM activities are both enjoyable and secure. Whether you're just starting out or looking to deepen your practice, the knowledge and tips shared in this article aim to empower you on your journey. Remember, BDSM is about mutual respect, understanding, and above all, consent. Embrace your journey with confidence and curiosity, knowing that you're equipped with the essentials to explore BDSM safely and consensually.