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“Our sexual energy is literally our life force at its rawest—no shields, no disguises, no polite mistaking it for something else. This is especially true with SM. Sexuality is energy as tangible as that which turns the earth.” — Samois in Coming to Power
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In this first part, we will unravel the intricacies of BDSM, starting with its fundamental definitions and key concepts. You'll learn what BDSM stands for, why people engage in it, and how it can reveal deeper aspects of oneself. We’ll also delve into the different dynamics and roles within BDSM, such as bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and the intriguing interplay between sadism and masochism. By the end of this article, you'll have a solid foundation and a greater understanding of the diverse world of BDSM.
Introduction
What makes this BDSM for beginners content different from another search on the same topic? You.
What does BDSM stand for?
BDSM is an acronym for bondage and discipline, Dominance and submission, sadism and masochism.As you browse for BDSM implements (often referred to as “toys”), consider what your intention is behind each purchase that you make. What intrigues you about BDSM? Do you feel kink is part of your identity or are you looking for a new sensory experience to bring into the bedroom, or both? No answer is the wrong one.
People engage in BDSM for a variety of reasons, including exchanging power (through which they experience a sense of freedom), seeking novelty or intensity through a new sexual experience, and increasing connection.
BDSM can feel like opening a cellar door into the darker aspects of your psyche. Is there something to fear down there? Is there something friendly and furry? Is there part of you that longs to serve another? Are you aroused by the thought of tying up a helpless prey? Are you enticed by the thought of being painted in bruises? Can you embrace parts of yourself that mainstream culture deems taboo? Is it safe to do so? The day that you meet your own gaze down in that cellar is the day you will understand BDSM. It has the power to reveal yourself to yourself.
People unfamiliar with BDSM frequently perceive it as abusive, conflating the eroticization of violence with harmful intent, and assuming sadists indiscriminately impose their will on masochists, who, in turn, take pleasure in their own suffering as victims of trauma, often originating from childhood. Like any group of people who cluster around a common interest or shared identity, there are predators who exploit the conviviality of such communities.
However, in reality, BDSM practitioners (and participants!) are proven to have more confidence in their relationships, a lower need for approval, and are less anxiously attached. BDSM, more often than not, is considered one choice from the vast menu of sexual possibilities that many engage in for fun. There is no scientific research that suggests that practitioners experience particular psychological issues, nor does it imply that their sexual behavior choices disrupt their daily functioning. Beyond the fantasy of the roles that players in a scene establish through negotiation, BDSM is a co-created realm where participants feel replenished, enlightened, and aroused, rather than depleted, taken advantage of, or harmed. Challenging feelings might arise, but physical or psychological harm is not—and should never be—the intention of BDSM.
In researching her book, Erotic Power, sociologist Gini Scott observed:
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“To an outsider observing SM—the whips, the ropes, the ritualized insults, and so forth—this kind of inner experience may be hard to imagine. Yet we are clear that an inner transformation occurs through the combination of intense physical, mental or emotional stimulation. Some describe profound personal changes that result from their [SM] activity: the discovery of new qualities in themselves, a heightened awareness of their own power or ability to submit, and the experiencing of a deep sense of communion with another person. For some the experience is almost a mystical or spiritual transformation.” |
Rather than rejecting your desires—the urge to inflict pain or the longing to feel it, the satisfaction of a perfectly placed stripe on an exposed ass or the desire to relinquish control—BDSM is an invitation to accept yourself.
Kink communities tend to place a strong emphasis on education, and rightfully so! If you want to immerse yourself in the lifestyle, put in some effort to learn proper techniques for administering pain, participate in online workshops, attend a retreat, or consult a skilled BDSM practitioner for private lessons. Don’t beat yourself up—no pun intended—if finding your footing in this world takes time. Familiarize yourself with the terms, roles, risks and common errors before putting your newfound skills to the test on another person’s body or mind. Always experiment with the severity of a new toy on yourself first, and if you don’t know how to use something, ask. Whether you’re curious about how to be a Dom, experiment with submissive sex, or want to figure out why everyone suddenly seems into shibari, start with the understanding that agreements must be made if safer risks are to be taken. (There'll be more on that later…)
Let’s get you acquainted with the BDSM basics.
Many opt to use “kink” to broadly refer to any sexual practice that falls outside of the realm of conventional sexual activity (heterosexual, monogamous intercourse). BDSM, which might involve impact play such as spanking, or complex role-play such as a pet/owner dynamic, is a type of kink. Not all kink, however, involves BDSM. Another word you have likely heard is fetish. Where a kink is something you enjoy but it needn't be present during a sexual experience, a fetish must be present for sexual gratification.
Let’s simplify that even further:
- Kink is the broad category that encompasses any sexual activity outside “the norm.”
- BDSM, with an emphasis on power dynamics, pain or intense sensation, and restraint, falls under the broad category of kink.
- A fetish, such as a fixation on a certain body part, is something that must be present for a fulfilling sexual experience.
What Is BDSM?
Bondage and Discipline (BD)
Bondage and discipline encompasses experiences where physical restraints using ropes, a bandana, handcuffs, clasps, a belt, or Velcro, is used to heighten excitement, and can be done alongside scenarios of discipline based on a punishment/reward dynamic, such as teacher/student or boss/employee. The thrill of receiving praise or punishment for obeying or defying commands can tap into some people's inclination towards brattiness (intentionally disregarding instructions) or their eagerness to be commended for compliance (“good girl”). Concentrating on a task or holding a position for an extended period of time often serves to soothe an overactive mind. The essence of discipline isn't necessarily in the task itself but in the significance of what it means to succeed or fail.
Dominance and Submission (DS)
Dominance and submission (DS, often written as D/s) involves a consensual shift of psychological and sexual authority. If I were to put it as simply as possible: the Dominant leads while the submissive follows—but that wouldn’t be entirely accurate. It’s more of a cyclical relationship; a mutual exchange of energy, acted out through one partner willingly relinquishing control and the other responsibly guiding, with a focus on the agreed-upon desires and limits of the submissive. It’s often said that the “sub is in control,” which I find reductive. If the Dom and sub dynamic is a co-creation, the submissive recognizes the power they have and willingly choose to surrender (you can’t give what you don’t have), while the Dominant reflects the desires back to the submissive through their loving attention. Without trust, venturing deeper into psychological submission is difficult. Both the Dom and sub are responsible for upholding their “role,” which means the submissive needs to be attuned to their body and their ability to say no, while the Dominant should feel confident in their ability to be present with the submissive and guide them where they want to go. The acts carried out from this state are intrinsically erotic, which I see as the interplay between intimacy (the vulnerable state of being seen) and empathy (the ability to see another). The dance of power is not about coercion. Dominance and submission is an exploration of desires, boundaries (sometimes testing them), and connecting to self-love in relation to one another.
Switch
Switches, while not included in the BDSM acronym, can fluidly inhabit both Dom and sub roles.
Sadism and Masochism (SM)
Sadomasochism is the interplay of giving or receiving pain or seeking discomfort for pleasure. A sadist is one who derives pleasure by providing intense sensations for the benefit of another. The welcomed pain can be physical (such as a cane), psychological (an interrogation scene), emotional (recreating a difficult memory to process it in a new way), or all three. A masochist is someone who enjoys receiving intense sensations and connecting to resilience, pride, or a plethora of other emotions through their discomfort. Sadists and masochists come together to explore the wisdom of pain in the context of consensual BDSM scenes.
Other terms you might hear as you begin your journey into BDSM:
Top/Bottom
The differentiator between a top and a Dom(me)/Dominant or a bottom and a submissive or slave is whether or not there is an element of erotic power exchange (EPE). Think of it this way: are the players engaging in Dominant/submissive behavior or are they using implements without the added psychological layer?
If you find that confusing, here is the rather comical and rightfully convoluted description from the book Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism:
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“Some contend that "top" and "bottom" are simply synonyms for dominant and submissive, respectively. Others say a "top" is not necessarily dominant at all, he is merely providing the beatings for a masochist who is not necessarily submissive at all. In actual practice, a masochist may "top" (a verb) for another masochist who is, at the time, being referred to as a "bottom" (a noun). Then again… Someone who is able to be both a top and a bottom can also be a submissive or a dominant depending upon his or her mood. She or he may be a top who is really submissive, or may be a dominant with a submissive streak. It is possible that he or she is sadistic and/or masochistic regardless of his/her submissive or dominant orientation. In any case, you could call such a person a "switch.” Which is not to mention… Another common situation is that you find a person who wants to "play" at being submissive but really likes to control the show. In this case you have someone "topping" (the verb, again) from the bottom. Then, there's its sister situation, where a dominant wants his submissive to direct everything that is done to her. In this situation, the dominant is "bottoming" (verb form) from the top and the submissive is "topping" from the bottom. Understand? If you do, you are already one of us, aren't you?” |
Scene
This is the way to enter and exit a mindset. A scene refers to a specific period of time during which participants engage in consensual BDSM activities. It structures the interaction, often pre-negotiated, and with agreed-upon roles, limits, and safe words to ensure the safety of everyone involved (safety does not mean that nothing can go wrong, but that all parties have acknowledged risk, done their best to mitigate error through communication, and neither have the intent to cause harm). A scene, which can also serve to ritualize the interaction by creating a container to embody a different aspect of one’s persona, can range from a simple and brief exchange to a complex and extended session involving various dynamics and activities.
Players
A "player" refers to an individual actively involved in BDSM activities or a scene. Players engage in a variety of roles, including but not limited to Dominant, submissive, switch, or any specific roles within the vast spectrum of BDSM dynamics.
Play Party
This is a communal space where curious and experienced players come together to explore and express their desires, sometimes in full view of others, bridging the gap between the private and the semi-public. These gatherings are often thoughtfully curated and meticulously crafted, including unique rules and guidelines, dress codes, codes of conduct, and theatrical elements and/or performances.
Negotiation
This refers to the essential dialogue and agreement process that occurs before any BDSM scene or activity begins. This discussion is crucial for establishing the boundaries, desires, limits, and safe words. It’s a time for open communication where participants can express their expectations, any specific acts they wish to explore, and those they want to avoid, relevant health issues or physical limitations, desired intensity and duration of the scene, and potential aftercare needs.
A submissive/bottom prone to loud reactions should inform their Dominant/top beforehand. This includes those who might scream, purr, or growl intensely from pleasure, clarifying that it's their normal response while being flogged, for instance. Similarly, clarifying whether silence or crying is a signal to halt the scene or continue. Without such understanding, a Dominant might misinterpret a response as a beneficial emotional release, and continue well past the submissive’s capacity.
For those playing together for the first time, negotiation can go as far as being formalized to the point of paperwork. For some D/s players who have built a rapport, negotiation can happen days or weeks in advance, so when they get together, the scene begins and detailed discussion can be substituted for a brief check-in (which continues throughout the scene, of course).
Negotiation, in general, is not a one-time discussion, as dynamics or preferences can change. Think of it as an evolving dialogue that adapts to suit the needs of each player at that moment.
We’ve covered a lot in this first part of our BDSM exploration, from the fundamental concepts and roles to the psychological aspects that make this practice both intriguing and fulfilling. Understanding the basics of bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, and the various dynamics at play is essential for anyone curious about or new to BDSM. Remember, education and communication are key to safe and enjoyable experiences. Stay tuned for the next part, where we will discuss safety and consent in BDSM, along with practical tips for beginners.
