Let’s do a brief recap! At its core, kink offers a unique opportunity to explore different aspects of oneself within a distinct context. Before we get into the headspace, take a look at some of these practical tips and ideas for beginners:
Kinky Sex Toys for Beginners
Incorporating toys into your exploration can add a new dimension of excitement and pleasure. Start with beginner-friendly options like blindfolds or feather ticklers to enhance sensory experiences.
BDSM for Beginners
If you're curious about BDSM, take it slow and explore activities like bed restraints (which I would consider light bondage for first-timers as it doesn’t take much practice to perfect or pose much risk of injury), spanking, or gentle power play (something as simple as wearing a mask or being instructed to call your partner “sir” or “mistress” can cause a shift in mindset).
Exploring Kinky Fantasies Safely
Fantasies are a natural part of human sexuality (just read this massive study on fantasy done by social psychologist Justin Lehmiller). Take time to discuss fantasies with your partner, establish boundaries, and experiment at a pace that feels comfortable for both of you. And remember that just because you voice a fantasy, doesn’t mean it has to be acted out. Sometimes, just being heard, accepted, and loved through revealing the fantasy will provoke the satisfying feeling of unity that was at the core of the share.
Role-Playing Scenarios
How can you transform your bedroom into a playground of fantasy with erotic role-playing scenarios? The resistance around role-playing usually comes because one or both partners assume that they will feel embarrassed “acting out” the fantasy. They might think there is a script that must be followed for how to do it “right.” Instead of looking at role-playing as being less like yourself, try to connect with how it is allowing you to be more like yourself. In the doctor/patient dynamic, for instance, the underlying desire might be for the feeling of exposure through being examined. If both partners can connect to the underlying feeling, they can use that to guide the scene. Rather than focusing on acting out how a patient and a doctor might actually interact in real life, which might feel like following a script, try not to step too far away from who you actually are together already. If there is playfulness, allow that to continue to exist (maybe the patient is flirty). If there are nerves, allow those nerves to inform the scene (maybe it’s the doctor’s first day at the new hospital). Again, connect to the underlying feeling to inform the roles. (More on this later…)
If speaking about your desires feels intimidating or you’re not quite able to put into words why you're intrigued by something you haven’t yet tried, consider pulling in other resources to guide the discussion. Love Uncommon provides the following starting point:
Before getting into which activities you want to explore, it’s helpful to communicate how you want to feel. Sex Educator and professional Dominatrix, Lola Jean, has a sex menu that can help guide couples on their feelings. Then, once you’re ready to explore a list of potential activities that can be paired with the feelings, print off this list and turn filling it out into a date night! When you combine the knowledge of the desired feeling with a role or toy, partners can check in on how something feels not only on their body but also in their body. Don’t worry if you feel overwhelmed and don’t know all the kinky definitions or activities, or even if you have a definitive answer as to whether you want to try the ones that you are familiar with. Stay curious about the process and remember that BDSM for beginners is a playful journey that can go as deep and long as you’d like. Even professionals and experienced players understand the never-ending learning opportunities, which, for many, is what makes kink so appealing.
A Gentle Introduction to BDSM for Beginners
Here's a curated list of the best kinky sex ideas for couples, along with brief how-tos for each, ensuring a safe and enjoyable experience:
Light Bondage
Use a king-size pillowcase to wrap up someone's wrists.
Roll the pillowcase to create a makeshift rope.
Hold the ends of the pillowcase to keep the wrists bound, maintaining communication and connection throughout the experience.
Instead of applying sudden force, gradually escalate pressure and warm them up to the feeling of being restrained (the pillowcase is excellent for beginners because freedom can happen instantly if you let go of the ends of the pillowcase, rather than frantically having to untie them if they panic, where even 30 seconds past when they want to be restrained can cause undue stress).
Another beginner bondage tip is to use cuffs that can be easily adjusted or removed.
Always assess for proper circulation and ensure comfort.
If you both agree that you’re comfortable with incorporating rope into your bondage session, always have sheers nearby to cut the rope if needed. Also, consider consulting The Duchy or Shibari Study to learn basic ties.
Sensory Deprivation
Blindfold your partner with a soft scarf or sleep mask.
Use earplugs or headphones to minimize auditory stimulation.
Gently touch and tease your partner's body with a feather slapper.
Spanking
Start with gentle slaps using your hand or a paddle that has some cushion.
Don’t be afraid to play with tempo—giving a few gentle smacks and building up to a harder one, then three harder smacks (maybe even the bottom counts them out), and then stroking their skin softly, or incorporating another pleasing sensation.
Avoid striking sensitive areas like the kidneys and spine.
Face Slapping
Make sure to separate the middle and ring fingers (almost like the Star Wars hand greeting) for a more even distribution of impact and to lessen the chance of injury.
Start gently, making sure to avoid the ears.
Don't take your partner by surprise. If they flinch away, invite them to move back into place willingly, and maybe even have them ask for it.
Check in often to see if they are deriving erotic pleasure from the experience (even if the experience is intended to willingly rouse feelings of shame, humiliation, or degradation). Are they smiling? Are they present with you? Is there life in their eyes? How do they respond when you ask them if they like it?
Temperature Play
Experiment with hot and cold sensations using ice cubes, warm massage oil, or wax play candles.
When it comes to candles, always test the temperature on a sensitive area like the inner wrist before applying it to your partner's body. Consult this article on wax play for beginners to learn which types of wax to avoid.
Aftercare: The Post-Play Essential
Aftercare following kinky activities is essential for ensuring the physical and emotional well-being of all parties involved. It involves providing comfort, reassurance, and support to each other after engaging in intense or emotionally-charged experiences. The best way to get aftercare right? Ask them what they want!
Physical Recovery
Aftercare helps in addressing any physical discomfort or fatigue resulting from the activities, such as soothing sore muscles or tending to any minor injuries.
Emotional Support
It allows for emotional decompression and helps in processing any intense feelings or emotions that may have arisen during the play.
Reconnection
Aftercare provides an opportunity for partners to reconnect on an emotional and intimate level, reinforcing feelings of trust and care.
Boundary Reinforcement
It allows partners to discuss and reaffirm boundaries, ensuring that everyone feels respected and safe.
Ideas for Aftercare
Physical Comfort
Provide cozy blankets, warm drinks, or a soothing massage to help relax tense muscles and promote physical comfort.
Verbal Affirmations
Offer words of affirmation and reassurance, expressing appreciation for each other and affirming the bond between partners.
Emotional Check-ins
Take the time to talk about the experience, discussing what went well and addressing any concerns or emotions that may have arisen.
Cuddling and Affection
Engage in gentle physical affection such as cuddling, holding hands, or gentle kisses to foster a sense of closeness and intimacy.
Self-Care
Encourage each other to engage in self-care activities such as taking a warm bath, practicing deep breathing exercises, or indulging in a favorite hobby to promote relaxation and emotional well-being.
Future Planning
Use the opportunity to discuss future desires, boundaries, and fantasies, laying the groundwork for future explorations while ensuring mutual consent and comfort.
