An Introduction to Kinky Sex

Introduction

Trust. That is the one word (besides your safe word) to keep in mind while you introduce new sexual elements into the bedroom, whether you’ve been with your partner for five years or you’re freshly into a new relationship and moving at a pace that feels comfortably edgy. According to the French philosopher George Bataille (excuse me for introducing a philosophical quote before practical tips), “Erotic activity, by dissolving the separate beings that participate in it, reveals their fundamental continuity, like the waves of a stormy sea.” He is suggesting that erotic activity is more than just a physical act; it's a transformative experience that can dissolve barriers between individuals and reveal the underlying unity of human existence. It speaks to the profound and often mysterious nature of eroticism as a force that transcends individuality and connects us to something larger than ourselves. Beyond the excitement of endeavoring on a new sexual adventure, exploring kinky fantasies safely opens the door to an embodied understanding of the binding power of eroticism.

Understanding Kinky Sex

Kinky sex, which encompasses BDSM (Bondage and Discipline; Dominance and Submission; Sadism and Masochism), is an exploration of fetishes or fantasies through erotic role-playing scenarios and often with an element of power exchange, where one partner takes the lead while the other relinquishes control, all within a safe and consensual space. It’s a way to add novelty to the bedroom—which comes with its own thrill—and has the potential to take intimacy to greater depths through vulnerability (yes, it can certainly feel intimidating to reveal an “unconventional” desire, and that’s OK). Kinky sex is in contrast to rough sex, which, according to this study, typically involves physical actions such as hair pulling, being pinned down, biting, being tied up, slapping, choking, scratching, hair thrusting, punching, spanking, throwing someone into a bed, making someone have sex, and tearing clothes off. How do they differ? While some elements of rough sex may overlap with kinky activities, the key distinction lies in the intention and context. Kinky sex is about creating deliberate scenes or scenarios where power dynamics are explored, whereas rough sex tends to focus solely on physicality without an elaborate setup. From where to find inspiration for adventurous sex ideas to spicing up the bedroom with some light bondage for first-timers, this guide offers a spectrum of experiences (along with suggested kinky sex toys for beginners) to suit every comfort level. The question, of course, is: how to start with kinky sex?

Clear communication begins with acknowledging your desires and having the courage to speak them out loud. As partners exchange this information, creating a “safe space” means avoiding judgment, interrogation, or using anything your partner shares against them in an argument later on (even chiding them or making a joke out of context, say, while casually out for dinner, could be damaging and cause them to retreat). Creating safety also means being safe to say “no” to. Not all desires between partners in the exploration of kinky sex will be perfectly aligned. It might take time to comfortably settle into a change in the typical bedroom dynamic, and there are fewer things that kill the mood quite like coercion.

Without clear communication, kinky activities that involve some level of risk—physically, mentally, or emotionally—can cross into non-consensual territory, leading to harm or trauma. It's crucial for partners to discuss boundaries, preferences, and experiences openly both before and after engaging in any sexual activity (with check-ins throughout, too). Negotiation includes discussing whether you have been in an abusive relationship or in a traumatic situation where something like being choked risks excavating an unwelcome memory. If healing this particular association is part of the desire to explore kinky sex as a sort of “reframing” of the action in a safe context, that is also a benefit of BDSM. However, using BDSM for healing should be mutually agreed upon between partners and thoroughly discussed (with ample time and space for aftercare and the probability of a longer period of integration).

Preparing for a Kinky Adventure

Safe words and kinky play go together like a navigator and a compass, guiding the journey through uncharted territory; a sculptor and clay, shaping desires into reality with care and precision; a storyteller and a plot twist, adding excitement and depth to the narrative. You get the point. Safe words provide a clear and immediate way for participants to communicate their boundaries and signal when an activity should immediately stop. If you’re engaging in activities that might prohibit someone from speaking, for instance, by using a ball gag, it’s also important to have a safe action. This could be something as simple as giving the bottom or submissive something to hold in their hand. If they drop it, the activity stops. Additionally, discuss any specific needs or boundaries, such as avoiding certain verbal cues (some people love being called a “dirty whore,” while others might be shot back to a troubling experience in their youth) or respecting limits on physical restraint (for example, specifying whether bound wrists are as welcome as bound ankles).

Typically, playing with a power dynamic during kinky sex involves an exaggeration of a usual encounter, such as a student/teacher, parent/child, or any other figure or authority from “the normal world” that is not sexual by nature. The excitement of fantasy derives, in part, from transgression. The participants are erotically aroused or psychologically satisfied because each enjoys enacting a role: the Dominant finds pleasure in exercising power, and the submissive enjoys freedom from responsibility or control and the act of submission itself. The partners are also excited by the unusualness of the role reversal as well as the mental, emotional, or physical stimulation offered by how forbidden the sexual act is outside of the scene. This exploration of the taboo is part of what contributes to increased intimacy, as both reveal aspects of their inner worlds that are usually hidden. This doesn’t mean, of course, that someone actually wants to have sex with their teacher, only that they are connecting with the underlying desire for a feeling to be realized through the pathway of transgression, the eroticization of violence or sublimation of shame into arousal. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to kinky sex. It's about discovering what excites you and your partner in a playful and safe manner.

The University of Sydney has outlined what consent is and isn’t (read the complete list of recommendations here!):

Seeking consent can look like this:

Asking direct questions like, 'Would you like to try this? Is this something you'd like? Do you want to keep going? Can I do this?'
Checking in as you go. Don't assume that your partner is still feeling good because they initially said yes. Keep checking in periodically to make sure everyone involved is comfortable and consent is ongoing by saying things like, 'Is this still okay?'
Reading body language. Check for any body language signs that tell you if your partner is still feeling good. If they are moving away, freezing or tensing up, this could be a sign your partner is feeling uncomfortable and consent is withdrawn. If you ever think your partner is not having a good time, or may not want to continue, even if they haven't said anything, stop and check in with them.

Enthusiastic consent does not look like this: